The Flames of My Youth

My friend Sarah posted this story about almost catching her house on fire. While e-mailing back and forth last night, I told her I had an "almost burning down the house" story as well, dating back to my 12th year of life. She wanted to hear it, so I decided to post it here, because it's pretty dang funny.

It was a Saturday, and I was home with my sisters Ashley & Amy, 15 and 9 at the time, and my brother Erik, 18. My parents were off somewhere, don't remember where, and my sisters and I were really bored. Erik was asleep. Suddenly, we remembered an ancient Monopoly game underneath my parent's bed. The box had deteriorated long before this day, and the pieces and money were scattered everywhere. Ashley found a lighter of my dad's, and was using it to see in the darkness under the box spring. (Perhaps not setting the best example, but hey, I'm sure she wasn't thinking I would copy her.) The phone rang, and Ashley popped up to answer it, putting down the lighter. I took upon myself to take over as Monopoly digger for her, and grabbed the lighter. I flicked it on and began searching. At the same exact moment in time that I thought to myself, "Hmm...there's a hole burning into the box spring," it burst into flames right in my face. I froze for a second, and being prone to melodrama anyway, knew I had to be extra melodramatic in order to convey the seriousness of the situation. I screamed at the top of my lungs, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" Ashley ran into the room, and it was just us looking at each other like, "What the hell do we do?!!!" She may have made some attempt to put it out, I really don't remember, but I do know she suddenly remembered Erik was home. At some point, he'd gotten up and started a shower. In the garage. (Yes, we had a shower in our garage. A story for another time.) So Ashley ran out the door, screaming to him about the little bonfire we had decided to light up.

This is the part where it turns from mildly amusing to a story that will be told at family gatherings for generations. Any questions I may have had about the male anatomy were quickly answered at the sight of my grown brother, fresh out of the shower, running down our long hallway like he was in a marathon. I don't know which I was more disturbed by, the fire eating my parents bed and moving toward the curtains, or the sight of my brother's bits flapping in the breeze. He managed to grab a broom, and put the fire out with that. He sat back on the floor, panting, looked up at us, and all was silent. It suddenly dawned on him that he was naked as the day he was born, and he high-tailed it out of there. We never talked about that part again. But the fire was out, and I can't play Monopoly to this day without remembering the valuable lessons I learned that day. One, duh, don't light a lighter under a mattress. Two, even in an emergency, try to have the presence of mind to close your eyes to the other horrors that might be taking place around you.